07.05.18

HEY BABY, YOU SHOULD SMILE!

Dear beloved men… have you been feeling or hearing about the frustration from women about being ‘invited’ to smile? Yeah, it’s true, we can be angry & ‘touchy’ about it… and I’d love to help you understand why if you’re interested. Because it’s actually NOT new for women to feel really icky about it. We’re just beginning to feel like we can talk about it.

I know, it might sound crazy. There’s nothing wrong with smiling. You’re just trying to be polite! So what’s the problem?!?! Well there’s a few of them and I’m gonna break it down as simply & clearly as I can. Because it’s something that gets under my skin and makes me feel… violent, truth be told. And I don’t think there’s many men out there who are looking to make women feel violent. We breathe a special kind of fire with our righteous anger, you feel me?

This isn’t one of those ‘oh people are just so offended by every little thing’.
This is different. And I’m gonna (hopefully) show you why.

Firstly, I’d love to clear up a HUUUUGGGGEEEEEEE misconception.
Smiling… DOES. NOT. MEAN. WE. ARE. HAPPY.
I know. I’m blowing your mind. But truth be told, I would bet good solid cash that MORE women while interacting with others… smile MORE when we’re painfully struggling to be polite, than they do when they’re simply pleased. This is something women do because… well Sir, that’s our culture. And that’s a WHOLE other discussion. But just trust me on this one. There’s way too many fake smiles out there. It’s something we actually all need to work on (being comfortable with showing our real feelings) but again, that’s a bigger (though connected) issue.

Now, brace yourselves.
Sometimes… the happiest, most ecstatic moments in life, render a woman’s face completely SMILE FREE. I know. Crazy. But it’s true (I’m an erotic & relationship coach, I know this).
Sometimes, our bodies register happiness in such a way that we are in relaxed, open awe… or even transported… feeling like we’re floating out in the Universe, and that might even make a particularly energetically sensitive woman UTTERLY STILL & nearly expressionless (even in deep soul-altering orgasm!!!). Maybe our face is in hot passionate focus, maybe wonder, maybe eyes-closed bliss, maybe even an ‘ugly’ smooshed or funny contorted mess. Maybe we smile with our eyes. Or our energy. Or our sexuality. Every woman is different and we all look different when we’re ‘happy’ (especially with that broad of a word).

SECOND and SUPER important…
I need YOU to do me a favor. Ask yourself (yes, right now) WHY you are ‘inviting’ women to smile.
Then dig deeper. Ask why again. And again, even deeper.
You might first think you simply want that woman to ‘be happy’ and you’ve (we now know INACCURATELY) attributed smiling to happiness.

Here’s the thing…
Happiness does not originate from an ‘invited’ (read: forced & disingenuous) smile. Nope. Sorry no. It don’t. Especially for women. Tony Robbins has a point about our posture & expression affecting us BUUUUUTTTTTT…. When asked to change something about our appearance by someone ELSE, it VERY VERY VERY RARELY makes us feel better. Culture, baby.

So… one could conclude, you are maybe ‘inviting’ a woman to smile… so that… YOU… can be a little more comfortable.

I know. Ouch. And you might be disagreeing here. That’s ok. I don’t have to be right here. I just want to leave room for the inquiry. A deeper look.

After all, we LOVE the masculines desire to see us happy! The primal drive to ‘fix’ and feel our satisfaction.
It calms your nervous system (that is less complex than ours). It allows you to put your full focus on other tasks. ‘Woman happy? CHECK! Next!’.
The problem is, it’s not actually MAKING us happy.
And you, trying to BYPASS what we ACTUALLY need & just telling yourself that if you get us to smile, your job is done… is kind of f*cked up. Sorry babe. I know.

BREAKDOWN:
- Women need to feel seen & heard.
- Smiling is a SUPER unreliable indicator of happiness.
- You telling us to smile makes us feel like we need to make YOU feel better.
- Then it feels EXTRA awful because not only do you want US to oblige YOU with a faux show of satisfaction, but now we feel like you don’t actually care to listen to us or try to make us ACTUALLY happy… you’re good with a facial expression & then you can disengage. IT’S A F*CKING BUMMER, MAN.
- When you ‘invite’ a STRANGER (woman) to smile, you can imagine how freaking WEIRD that is… like, dude, I’m just going about my business with my face & you have no connection to me or investment in my happiness. It is the emotional equivalent of flashing some skin. OH I SAID IT. Dear strangers, women don’t owe you a facial expression to please you. F*CKING KNOCK IT OFF. IT’S F*CKING CREEPY.

Don’t be creepy.

Neither a stranger, nor a friend, nor a partner OWES you a facial expression that isn’t what they’re currently feeling.
Asking for an expression otherwise is dehumanizing. Let me repeat that, asking for an expression other than what they’re genuinely displaying is dehumanizing. And we women, having a more complex nervous system and more access to different awarenesses & emotions, are going to be a bit more complicated than just ‘sad/happy’. Biology. Been this way since forever so you should probably just try to accept it.

If you want us to be happy… be the man we ARE happy to interact with. Be a man who respects us. Who can see beauty without attempting to own it or shame it. Be a man who allows people around him to be in whatever mood or activity they are in without attempting to change it for YOUR comfort. Be a man who if you ARE invested in our happiness, simply invites us to vent… listens as best he can & helps us feel seen & heard, not attempting to fix it for YOUR comfort.

Again, I know. It’s tough. We love your drive to come up with solutions. It’s SO necessary in SO many ways! But the one way it ISN’T of value, is when we need to simply talk. We need you to be that strong rock that we can emotionally crash against… who stands calm & steadfast, attention focused on us as we empty ourselves so that we can rest & recharge & begin to tackle the tasks of our lives once again.

Really.

It’s more valuable than all the quick-fix ideas in the world to us. And it’s against your nature… and I for one, will continue to remind my sisters to show SO much gratitude for every time a man does that tough thing… every time a man gives her his strong attention, instead of interrupts her &… asks her to smile.

Lastly… thank you. Thank you for being open minded enough to read about this. Thank you for allowing it. Thank you for being someone who considers their effect on people. Thank you for setting an example of examining new ideas and contemplating another way.

Thank you, Sir. This simple act is heroic.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 5th, 2018 at 8:29 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.