I’m a smoker in my dreams. And to this day, I’ve never smoked a cigarette. But…
When I was really young (about 6 or 7 I think), I went outside and collected a couple cigarette butts that my neighbor, Mary Lou, discarded. And I hid them under my bed.
Now, I definitely never lit them and I don’t even think I put one in my mouth. But I took them. I wanted them. I somehow knew that part of my persona was this… badass. Not even a rebel. Rebels tried to get a rush from doing something they thought was ‘forbidden’. But I didn’t want it to be forbidden. I just wanted to BE.
Of course my mother had an attack… I think she might’ve believed that I’d smoked them. Which I remember being confounded by. As she was screaming at me, pushing me to confess what I’d done… I remember thinking ‘That’s GROSS! Why would I put this in my mouth and light it? I’m a KID! It was in the GUTTER!’ Turns out… she thought what I’d done was heinous enough, just storing them under my bed, and I’m sure it scared her. That she had a daughter that had it in her to think about cigarettes so seriously that she’d pick them up from the street, used. But the truth is, I had no desire to actually smoke. And the practice still seems a little silly to me. I didn’t want to smoke. But… I wanted to be a smoker. And yes, there’s a difference.
What I’ve learned over the past 18 months about myself, mainly due to working with the incredible Jaiya Ma (somatic sexologist/educator/mentor/coach) has been a process of discovering so many awesomely fun things, but more than that, it was a process of coming back to myself. But in a way that was brand new. I recognized these truths about myself that have ALWAYS been there, so clearly, but I’d denied them for so long because of the relationship I was in. I was never asked to be a different person. I was never asked to tamp down my traits. But it’s what I did. And I had to learn the hard way.
When I do a Boudoir or Brand Shoot… it’s not just about creating something ‘pretty’. It’s not about putting together a perfect-looking scene of glamour & posing or a sitting outside in a fancy outfit, drinking a cappuccino at a Cafe you’ve never been to. It’s about BEING. Yes, I help style wardrobe and yes, I’ve got my hair & makeup artist with me… but it’s not to help you fool people into thinking you’re this particular persona…. it’s to put an exclamation point on the reality of YOU.
When I learned, accepted, and embraced these traits about myself… that I have a dark, feminine persona, that I SHOULD be buying mostly black clothes, that I love to sway and shake my ass to a heavy, down-beat dub-step-style song, that when I do my makeup, the darker & smudgier my eyes, the better, that I prefer rough textures (in some things) over smooth, that I prefer a thud or a scratch on my skin over a gliding touch or a sting, that I can bring out my brattiness… and it can be SUCH a good thing!… and so many more big truths… when I did that, I was even more sure of my purpose with my work. That it’s about finding your core traits and magnifying them.
My Personality Brand clients get to explore the depths. And I get to go with them. We get to play with all the different facets of their life and show them, maybe for the first time, to the world. The process of owning every piece, from leader to lover to friend, daughter, mother, marathoner, couch potato. From calm yogi to emotional outpours, from green smoothies to bottles of wine. They’re ALL beautiful. They’re all perfect. Because they’re all REAL.
With Boudoir, I get to play. I get to create something from my fantasy rather than pure reality. Beauty is found in that process so magnetically and magically. Playing in different arenas in my Boudoir work doesn’t just feed my desire to create & fulfill what I know is truly ME… it often sparks my client to remember who SHE is also. And sometimes, discover who she is for the first time. Watching a woman’s eyes grow wide with recognition of how this vision that I’ve created with them feels so TRUE? Nothing more incredible than that moment. She may tell me she never would’ve discovered that on her own. That she never would’ve worn ‘this’ or done her hair & makeup like ‘that’ and that she feels truly alive. In a way she never expected and doesn’t know how to process yet. That she feels sparked, supported, excited. Truly SEEN.
And that’s what it’s all about. Whether you are a dream-smoker, a rock-climber, a musician, a sex-geek, a wanderer, a guide, a fighter, a facilitator or a fairy…. there’s no more important place to start than by simply BEING.
Welcome to my yet-to-be-unveiled new website & new movement….