These past few months have been pretty raw. And I didn’t have the desire or energy to try and decide who I would tell what to, how many filters I would be switching through & how open I could be. So I just decided to be real.
I set 99% of my Facebook posts to ‘Public’. I talk about dating and my inner erotic creature (& how I found her)… I talk about being weirdly happy about silly things, and I talk about being anxious/pissed/scared/sad when I am. I don’t wonder what ‘other people’ are going to think… seriously, only my friends are truly paying attention and if ‘other people’ happen to actually care & think I’m strange…. GO me. But what I wasn’t prepared for was doing this AND being a woman in this Patriarchal culture. Being open like this is totally new to me. But it felt completely natural, and it still does. The issue I find myself running into is…. condescension. Mostly from men (sorry guys). When, for instance, I would post about a hilarious & kind of pathetic online dating incident…. I would receive REALLY cliche & obvious ‘life advice’.
The responses to those stories range from ‘You should get offline, all those sites are just going to lead to X’, to ‘When you stop looking, it’s true, that’s when it happens!’ to ‘Don’t spend so much time worrying about finding someone, just be happy with who you are’. You guys. Seriously. The list goes on and on. A plethora of ‘Just do ___’ and ‘You should ____’….
Essentially… advice you would give a young teenage daughter. Of your OWN.
Not advice you would give to a 30-something woman with HUGE Life-transforming personal work under her belt. The things I’ve learned, the tools I have, the experiences I’ve gotten through places like Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts and through working with Jaiya Ma, a somatic sexologist, would BLOW their little minds. And yet, I am seen as an inexperienced, scared/lost little girl who needs a man to tell her ‘Everything will be okay’. Hmm… You know what? I kind of love that.
I love men. Love, Love, LOVE them. What an incredibly sweet gesture… to see a woman in ‘pain’ and offer her what you have… even if what you have is 4th Grade Life Advice. Oh, did I mention I’m a Brat? I should’ve, sorry ;) But it’s the truth. I see the masculine in his earnest desire to ‘fix’. And I have nothing but love for it. Okay, a BUTTLOAD of frustration & wanting to smack him, but THEN, nothing but love. Because, you know what? I AM really inexperienced! I’ve actually never really dated before! So my honesty about where I’m at is big and open and visible and that’s okay. When it comes to dating, I pretty much AM like a baby teenager.
But here’s the catch… I’m SO NOT. I won’t say I’ve lived a very big life up until now (there is SO much traveling that needs to happen you guys!!) but I will say that I am proud to be an Awakened Woman. I am an Empath. I am a Goddess. I am a Lover. I am a Friend. I am well versed in claiming my emotions, right where I am and not apologizing for them. I claim what I want. I claim what I don’t. I know how to protect my energy. I know how to hold space. I know how to break down. I know how to stand up. And I know that my choices are mine alone and don’t have to make sense to anyone else. When I say I am caught in self-loathing… I mean it. I own it. And I don’t need someone saying ‘Just try to come from a place of Gratitude’. Baby, I grew up watching Oprah, you sound like 25 years ago to me. But OH HOW I THANK YOU, you sweet, caring man!
I know seeing someone in pain or going through something is difficult. Uncomfortable. Even painful for the masculine. You want me to change course immediately, maybe even to soothe your own discomfort. And I so get that. But I just wanted to let you know… I am just being open. I am just saying out loud what millions of people are going through and maybe not saying out loud. I have just decided to let myself be seen. I will continue to own where I’m at, every step of the way. I will continue to walk with my eyes open… into triumph, into brokenness, into the deep dark swamp of anger or sadness, and into the sun again. Over and over. Like the wildly imperfect female human that I am. And if you want to be there, if you are called to care and soothe and comfort… just let me know you see me. Right where I am. And you support me feeling exactly what I am. And you love me, exactly as I am.